Wile E. Coyote v. Acme Mfg. Co, Inc. et al.
IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
SOUTHWESTERN DISTRICT OF ARIZONA
TEMPE DIVISION
WILE E. COYOTE,
Plaintiff
VS. CASE NO. B.19294
ACME MFG. CO, INC. et al.,
Defendants
_____________________________________________________________________
OPENING STATEMENT
OF
COUNSEL FOR PLAINTIFF
_______________________________________________________________________
The Honorable R. D. Runner, District Judge, Presiding:
The case of Coyote v. Acme Mfg. Co., Inc. , et al., being called on the
Court's trial calendar, and the parties announcing ready for trial, the Court commenced
the proceedings, to-wit:
THE COURT: "You may proceed, Mr. Slick."
OPENING STATEMENT OF MR. I. M. SLICK,, ATTORNEY FOR MR. COYOTE:
"Thank you, Your Honor. Good morning, ladies and gentlemen of the jury.
"My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does
hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail
distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every
state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss
of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or
gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47,
section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.
"Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the
Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order
department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in
manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof
of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries
sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his
profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's
Compensation.
"Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post
one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in
pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden
shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr.
Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and
precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet.
Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing
severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled.
Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its
path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the
animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to
follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled
and a faulty or nonexistent braking system.
"Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr.
Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa. Paragraph One of the Report of Attending
Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Lee Tryan, M.D., D.O., details the multiple
fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this
collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the
ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs.
"Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support
himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of
Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in
an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again,
Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet
engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for
passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket
Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently
as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.
"Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has
suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant"
Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail
Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.)
Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr.
Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much
time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden
trough beginning at the top of the a butte and spiraling downward around it to some few
feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way
that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly
down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of
birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #
78-832), climbed to the top of the a butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed,
approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned
down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.
"In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to nought, the
premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to
Mr. Coyote:
1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock
with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy
disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
"We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these
purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have
been shipped to metallurgical laboratories at the University of California at Santa
Barbara for analysis, but to date no explanation has been found for this product's sudden
and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself:
two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength
and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release.
Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon this prey in the
initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.
"To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by
their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr.
Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal
sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard
release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward
him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within the range of the springs
at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the
lanyard release. At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward
and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes
thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr.
Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a
violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and
forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.
"The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote
was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which
was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling
of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with
the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact
with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time.
"The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote,
viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length
of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition
of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr.
Coyote's body tissues - a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand
upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key,
accordion-like wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this
symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.
"As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture
and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has
used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as
itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber
bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote had no other
domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners
in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is
allowed to victimize the consumer in a most reckless and wrongful manner again and again.
"Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court and this jury regard these larger
economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seven hundred and fifty
thousand dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical
expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages
(mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of
seventeen million dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty
thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure
Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only
language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal
protection under the law.
"Thank you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, for your kind attention."
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