(a tasteless display of disrespect for the noble profession)
There is a new Barbie doll out for Christmas, she’s called Divorce Barbie.
She comes with a lawyer and all of Ken’s stuff.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A Skeet shoot
Lawyer’s creed: A man is innocent until he has been proven broke.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What is black and brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, both parties are devastated!
A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.
“$250.00 for three questions”, replied the lawyer.
“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
“Tim, you be first,” she said “What does your mother do for a living?”
“She’s a doctor,” Tim replied proudly.
What about you Amy?” she asked.
“My father is a mailman,” Amy answered.
“What does your father do Billy?”
“He plays piano at a whorehouse,” Billy said as though it was the greatest job in the world.
The teacher was shocked and immediately changed the subject to history.
After school, the teacher went to Billy’s house. His father answered the door. The teacher explained what Billy had said, and demanded an explanation.
Billy’s father said, “I’m actually a lawyer, but how am I going to explain that to an eight-year-old.
Why do so many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
What is the proper weight for an attorney?
About 3 pounds, . . . not counting the urn!
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Why don’t lawyers play hide-and-seek?
Nobody will look for them.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You should take your work boots off before you jump on a trampoline.
What’s the difference between an accident, and a calamity?
An accident is when a bus full of lawyers plunges off the road, and into a river; a calamity is if they can swim.
While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom. He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting on the table, picks it up and exits through the back door of the courtroom into the judge’s chambers. And who should be sitting there; the judge.
Judge: Hey kid, are you familiar with the liquor store across the street from the courthouse?
Judge: Good, I want you to go across the street and steal me a bottle of booze. The kid runs across the street, enters the liquor store, and when the proprietor is not looking, slips a fifth into the briefcase and brings it back to the judge. The judge immediately opens the bottle and swigs half of it.
Judge: Hey kid, I need you to run another errand. There’s a contractor, Slapdash Construction, next to the liquor store. Go to them and tell them that the judge sent you. They’ll give you a brown paper bag. Bring it back to me.
The kid runs to Slapdash Construction, tells them that the judge sent him, receives a brown paper bag filled with fifties and hundreds, puts it into the briefcase and takes it to the judge.
Judge: Kid, you did great. Now unzip my fly.
The kid unzips the judge’s fly.
Judge: Now take it out and—
Kid: Hey wait a minute mister. I’m not a real attorney; I just found this briefcase in the courtroom!!!
A lawyer looks out his corner office window and sees an old man swaying back and forth. An hour later the lawyer looks out the window and sees the same man swaying back and forth. At the end of the day, the lawyer walks out of his office and approaches the man who is still swaying back and forth.
Overwhelmed with curiosity, the lawyer asks the man why has he been swaying all day.
The old man replies “I am a sailor and have been out to sea the past twenty years. I have not gotten my sea legs back.”
The lawyer looked at the man and said “Well, I have been a lawyer for 20 years and you don’t see me doing this.” as he started moving his hips forward and back in rapid repetition.
Why do they bury lawyers 15 feet deep?
Because deep down they’re not bad guys.
On the same token:
Why do they bury farmers only three feet deep?
So they can still get a hand out.
Two lawyers were sitting at a bar when a great looking girl walks by. “Boy, I’d really like to screw her!” says the first lawyer.
“Out of what?” says the second lawyer.
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, 12-inch-tall bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
“Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”
“You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.”
His purchase made, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
“Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner.
No,” says the tourist, “I was wondering if you have a little bronze lawyer.”
What do you call someone who watches a lawyer drown?
It was so cold last winter ……………… How cold was it?
I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits that water.
Take your foot off of his head.
A Physician, an Engineer, and a Lawyer were discussing their professions. They were trying to determine which profession had been around the longest.
The Doctor said “Doctors were first. In the good book, it states that Eve was created from one of Adam’s ribs . . . That required the first surgery. So, Doctors were here first.”
The Engineer said, “NOPE, it also said, before Adam and Eve, that God created the heavens and the earth. That required a lot of plans and engineering work, so Engineers were here first.”
The Lawyer said, “SORRY GUYS, lawyers were here before all that. If you read a little closer, it says that in the beginning there was chaos, and who do you think created chaos.”
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”
“The tombstone back there said “Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.”
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, “And where do you think you are going to find a lawyer?”
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty-four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
A few surgeons were discussing the merits of working on different people.
One said the best patient is an electrician; all of their organs are color-coded.
“No.” said the next. “Librarians insides are catalogued and indexed!” “You’re both wrong!” said the next doctor.” Lawyers are the best. They are gutless, heartless, spineless and their heads and asses are interchangeable.”
A change in medical research regulations was introduced. From now on, medical researchers have to use lawyers instead of lab rats, and they should do so for three reasons.
First, lawyers are more numerous than lab rats; second, they don’t become attached to lawyers the way they do to rats; and thirdly, there are some things that even a lab rat wouldn’t do.
Two fellows are taking a balloon ride. The wind is really strong and they got blown to some unknown place. They are slowly descending onto a field and see a man walking by. They shout “Excuse me! Where are we?” He looks up and says “Why, you are in balloon!”
One of the guys turns to the other one and says “I bet he’s a lawyer”. The other one shouts “Excuse me! What do you do for a living?” “I’m a lawyer”-he shouts back.
The first guy says, “You wanna know how I knew that? He said what all lawyers normally say – something perfectly accurate and perfectly useless.”
Why don’t you ever see lawyers at the beach?
Cats keep covering them with sand.
How can you tell if your lawyer’s well hung?
If you can’t get your finger between their neck and the noose.
Mr. Pierpoint, the local bank president sat in his attorney’s office. “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer said.
“Give me the bad news first.”
“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.”
“That’s the bad news?” asked Pierpoint incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”
“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”
What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one?
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
How does an attorney sleep?
First, he lies on one side and then on the other.
How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
Just say, “Fees!”
Two Kinds of Lawyers
There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.
Minister and Lawyer in Heaven
A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
“Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, the keys to our finest penthouse suite.”
“This is unfair!” cried the minister.
“Listen,” Saint Peter said, “ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we’ve ever seen.”
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
A local newspaper mistakenly printed an obituary for the town’s oldest practicing lawyer. He called them immediately and threatened to sue unless they printed a correction.
The next day, the following notice appeared, “We regret that the report of Attorney Critchley’s death was in error.”
Having just moved to a new home, a young boy meets the boy next door. “Hi, my name is Billy,” he says, “what’s yours?”
“Tommy,” replied the other.
“My daddy’s an accountant,” says Billy. “What does your daddy do?”
“He’s a lawyer,” Tommy answers.
“Honest?” says Billy.
“No, just the regular kind.”
Someone mistakenly left the cages open in the Reptile House at the zoo and there were snakes slithering all over the place.
Frantically, the keeper tried everything, but he couldn’t get the slippery animals back into their cages. Finally, he yelled, “Quick, call a lawyer!”
“A lawyer? Why?”
“We need someone who speaks their language.”
Taking his seat in chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. “I have been presented by both of you with a bribe,” the judge began. Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, Attorney Smith, gave me $15,000. And you, Attorney James, gave me $10,000.”
The judge reached in his pocket a pulled out a check, which he handed to Smith. “Now, then, I’m returning $5,000, and we are going to decide this case solely on its merits.”
“How is it that you can’t get a lawyer to defend you?” the judge asked the prisoner.
“Well, your honor, it’s like this. As soon as those lawyers found out I didn’t steal the money, they wouldn’t have anything to do with me.”
If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, Osama Bin Laden, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A command was given to a dog: “SPEAK!”
The dog said in return: “Not without my lawyer present!”
Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
Watching an attorney drive over a cliff in your new car.
The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, “Hey, cut it out, alright.” The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.
After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says,” I said don’t do that again!” The rear tiger says “sorry” again and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, “What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop.” The rear tiger says, “I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I’m just trying to get the taste out of my mouth.”
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! “Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”
“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”
A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
“Your Honor,” he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty!’ So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!”
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, “Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant’s lawyer.”
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said “Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100.” The lawyer stood up and said “Thanks, your honor. However, my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you’d allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . .”
A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: “I object, Your Honor! One of the jurors is asleep.”
The Judge ruled: “You put him to sleep… You wake him up.”
If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, four-wheel drive vehicle or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, houses of prostitution, bars or taverns, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. Bagged attorneys must have head removed from anal orifice between tagging or field dressing.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, cocktail waitress, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 12
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Bleeding Heart Civil Libertarian 7
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If you have a Lawyer Joke or other item of legal humor, please send it to us via email. Our email address is HopkinsLaw@hopkinslawfirm.com. The best submissions will be included in our next update of this page with a credit to the sender.